Old thoughts (part2)

(Written on 11 September)

"These last few days have been incredible, in fact this last month. So much bad things i felt, so much i learned, so much i discovered recently, and i found myself in a wacky month, where i forgot almost everything that happened in my life in recent years. Virtually i deleted the last 5 years of my life. I do not know if i should do that, but i confess it felt so well. I returned to my childhood friends, to those i thought have lost, to where i always felt well, basically went back to my place.
Things aren't the same, obviously my friends grew. And do i? How do i see me? Well, it seams to me i'm still the same, but am i? Maybe not, i believe there's so much to change, particularly in a more intimate opening, but i think i do thinks more unconsciously, i mean, i no longer need to strive myself to be how i wanted to be, how i passed 4 and half years trying to be, a human being.
But now i think, did this month any porpose on a personal level? I simply act without thinking in things, which in some ways is good, because everything worked fine, but in love I still think too much, why cound't i set me free to give myself to love?why did i thought in so much bull shit, in so many ghosts of this village? Shouldn't i be happy to know there was someone who likes me, who wanted to see me, someone who miss me, someone i can talk about everything with no problems at all, someone i wanted to talk about my life. I should, but it's difficult someone who wants to be with you, ear you talk about another relationship from the pass. How can i trust someone if i can't share all details from the most importants phases of my life? And more, how can i set myself free emotionally, when the summer ends, each one goes away. The distance Sintra-Almada, or Sintra-Loures isn't distance compared with Sintra-Castelo Branco. I really believe that was there a person to share my life with, someone really interesting, really fun, companion, and pretty. I was needing someone like that, needed to not be afraid to find someone.
But, yes there's always a but, i noticed good relationships always start between friends, who share/trust his thoughts and then realize there's one feeling greater than friendship. I never could have that, in fact i don't have a girlfriend i share and trust. Well, with this girl was something like that, but it was pretty fast to discovered she wasn't no longer indifferent to me, that i missed her when she wasn't around. Not even a month. It's too fast, very fast. If, by chance, move to something greater, would we achieve something good? Would she understand and accept me? Would i open myself to her? Would we become one? Well, who knows? Maybe someday i'll know what LOVE is, again!"