(Written on 11 September)
"These last few days have been incredible, in fact this last month. So much bad things i felt, so much i learned, so much i discovered recently, and i found myself in a wacky month, where i forgot almost everything that happened in my life in recent years. Virtually i deleted the last 5 years of my life. I do not know if i should do that, but i confess it felt so well. I returned to my childhood friends, to those i thought have lost, to where i always felt well, basically went back to my place.
Things aren't the same, obviously my friends grew. And do i? How do i see me? Well, it seams to me i'm still the same, but am i? Maybe not, i believe there's so much to change, particularly in a more intimate opening, but i think i do thinks more unconsciously, i mean, i no longer need to strive myself to be how i wanted to be, how i passed 4 and half years trying to be, a human being.
But now i think, did this month any porpose on a personal level? I simply act without thinking in things, which in some ways is good, because everything worked fine, but in love I still think too much, why cound't i set me free to give myself to love?why did i thought in so much bull shit, in so many ghosts of this village? Shouldn't i be happy to know there was someone who likes me, who wanted to see me, someone who miss me, someone i can talk about everything with no problems at all, someone i wanted to talk about my life. I should, but it's difficult someone who wants to be with you, ear you talk about another relationship from the pass. How can i trust someone if i can't share all details from the most importants phases of my life? And more, how can i set myself free emotionally, when the summer ends, each one goes away. The distance Sintra-Almada, or Sintra-Loures isn't distance compared with Sintra-Castelo Branco. I really believe that was there a person to share my life with, someone really interesting, really fun, companion, and pretty. I was needing someone like that, needed to not be afraid to find someone.
But, yes there's always a but, i noticed good relationships always start between friends, who share/trust his thoughts and then realize there's one feeling greater than friendship. I never could have that, in fact i don't have a girlfriend i share and trust. Well, with this girl was something like that, but it was pretty fast to discovered she wasn't no longer indifferent to me, that i missed her when she wasn't around. Not even a month. It's too fast, very fast. If, by chance, move to something greater, would we achieve something good? Would she understand and accept me? Would i open myself to her? Would we become one? Well, who knows? Maybe someday i'll know what LOVE is, again!"
Monday, October 22, 2007
Old thoughts (part1)
(I probably wrote this on August 1st.)
"The last couple of days i'm having my vacations, i'm getting strength to move on with my life, to start something new, to meet someone special, someone i can share my life with. This is good, but i pass the last few days thinking in the pass, in my last girlfriend, and i'm frustated about everything about her. I can't forget her, i just can't, i still love her, but the worst is that i miss her so. She can calm me, give me strenght, make me feel secure, but i can't have that from her, she simply doesn't want. She want me far away from her life, she want us to be friends and i say "cool, i don't want to lose you too" but who i am kidding? I'm never going to be a special friend of her! I don't want to be what i like to call an "how are you" friend. We got something special and we are going to end up in that. You ask why do i say that, simple, she told me that we could never be closers friends, and she's right, i never could be her best friend, i can't compete with that person, she consider him as a brother. It's impossible, she never going to ask me personal things, or discuss some of her doubts. In fact, she never discuss that with me, she allways ask him or write on her blog. Was i her closer friend? Or was i only the guy to have in bed at night? He told me i make her happy, and he like me for that, because his best friend was happy, i can't blame him, i feel the same about my friends. It's also a fact i never was mature enought to understand her, all of her low self-esteem, i was allways afraid of lose her. This feeling was boosted by the history of the médium who said that we're not staying together. This fear never let me go to give me to her, she never felt i was gaving everything i could, so she stop gaving her best to me. I noticed it and i closed me even more. I felt that way, because i never stopped to think in what was around me, in my life, and most important, in myself. Now that i know me a little better, i can see that we could have something big! It's unfair to blame her, but it's what i feel. I can't forgive her for decide to ditch me has her boyfriend, and decided only us to be friends. I feel betrayed for her to decide to search for another person. While i think it's doable to start something new, or at least while i keep that betray feeling, i can't forgive her, i just can't. She is too much important to me as a friend, as a person, as my confidante and as a girlfriend too but she doesn't want to be that person, and i'm sad for that. It's unfair... We just could have something really big! I love her so much, and i never felt like this before! If we both wanted to approach again, we could gain a new start. As one of her friends told me, "we could do so much more!" Hope someday she realise that. I'm still here, i' still want you, i still love you!
I need to feel loved, and i found that in her heart."
"The last couple of days i'm having my vacations, i'm getting strength to move on with my life, to start something new, to meet someone special, someone i can share my life with. This is good, but i pass the last few days thinking in the pass, in my last girlfriend, and i'm frustated about everything about her. I can't forget her, i just can't, i still love her, but the worst is that i miss her so. She can calm me, give me strenght, make me feel secure, but i can't have that from her, she simply doesn't want. She want me far away from her life, she want us to be friends and i say "cool, i don't want to lose you too" but who i am kidding? I'm never going to be a special friend of her! I don't want to be what i like to call an "how are you" friend. We got something special and we are going to end up in that. You ask why do i say that, simple, she told me that we could never be closers friends, and she's right, i never could be her best friend, i can't compete with that person, she consider him as a brother. It's impossible, she never going to ask me personal things, or discuss some of her doubts. In fact, she never discuss that with me, she allways ask him or write on her blog. Was i her closer friend? Or was i only the guy to have in bed at night? He told me i make her happy, and he like me for that, because his best friend was happy, i can't blame him, i feel the same about my friends. It's also a fact i never was mature enought to understand her, all of her low self-esteem, i was allways afraid of lose her. This feeling was boosted by the history of the médium who said that we're not staying together. This fear never let me go to give me to her, she never felt i was gaving everything i could, so she stop gaving her best to me. I noticed it and i closed me even more. I felt that way, because i never stopped to think in what was around me, in my life, and most important, in myself. Now that i know me a little better, i can see that we could have something big! It's unfair to blame her, but it's what i feel. I can't forgive her for decide to ditch me has her boyfriend, and decided only us to be friends. I feel betrayed for her to decide to search for another person. While i think it's doable to start something new, or at least while i keep that betray feeling, i can't forgive her, i just can't. She is too much important to me as a friend, as a person, as my confidante and as a girlfriend too but she doesn't want to be that person, and i'm sad for that. It's unfair... We just could have something really big! I love her so much, and i never felt like this before! If we both wanted to approach again, we could gain a new start. As one of her friends told me, "we could do so much more!" Hope someday she realise that. I'm still here, i' still want you, i still love you!
I need to feel loved, and i found that in her heart."
I'm back!
Hello again! Do you miss me? Hope so, it means i'm something for you.
After a long period of stress, i had my summer vacations. I was needing such a long time away from my environment, from my life, and it felt so good. I came with new strenght for life, with new friends, and with hope that nothing's lost in my life!
Because where I was on vacation had no Internet, I could not write here, but I wrote what I wanted to say and now i decided to post them, for future memory!
After a long period of stress, i had my summer vacations. I was needing such a long time away from my environment, from my life, and it felt so good. I came with new strenght for life, with new friends, and with hope that nothing's lost in my life!
Because where I was on vacation had no Internet, I could not write here, but I wrote what I wanted to say and now i decided to post them, for future memory!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)