Old thoughts (part1)

(I probably wrote this on August 1st.)

"The last couple of days i'm having my vacations, i'm getting strength to move on with my life, to start something new, to meet someone special, someone i can share my life with. This is good, but i pass the last few days thinking in the pass, in my last girlfriend, and i'm frustated about everything about her. I can't forget her, i just can't, i still love her, but the worst is that i miss her so. She can calm me, give me strenght, make me feel secure, but i can't have that from her, she simply doesn't want. She want me far away from her life, she want us to be friends and i say "cool, i don't want to lose you too" but who i am kidding? I'm never going to be a special friend of her! I don't want to be what i like to call an "how are you" friend. We got something special and we are going to end up in that. You ask why do i say that, simple, she told me that we could never be closers friends, and she's right, i never could be her best friend, i can't compete with that person, she consider him as a brother. It's impossible, she never going to ask me personal things, or discuss some of her doubts. In fact, she never discuss that with me, she allways ask him or write on her blog. Was i her closer friend? Or was i only the guy to have in bed at night? He told me i make her happy, and he like me for that, because his best friend was happy, i can't blame him, i feel the same about my friends. It's also a fact i never was mature enought to understand her, all of her low self-esteem, i was allways afraid of lose her. This feeling was boosted by the history of the médium who said that we're not staying together. This fear never let me go to give me to her, she never felt i was gaving everything i could, so she stop gaving her best to me. I noticed it and i closed me even more. I felt that way, because i never stopped to think in what was around me, in my life, and most important, in myself. Now that i know me a little better, i can see that we could have something big! It's unfair to blame her, but it's what i feel. I can't forgive her for decide to ditch me has her boyfriend, and decided only us to be friends. I feel betrayed for her to decide to search for another person. While i think it's doable to start something new, or at least while i keep that betray feeling, i can't forgive her, i just can't. She is too much important to me as a friend, as a person, as my confidante and as a girlfriend too but she doesn't want to be that person, and i'm sad for that. It's unfair... We just could have something really big! I love her so much, and i never felt like this before! If we both wanted to approach again, we could gain a new start. As one of her friends told me, "we could do so much more!" Hope someday she realise that. I'm still here, i' still want you, i still love you!
I need to feel loved, and i found that in her heart."